Momiji's Candy Plant!
by Shh - my pen name is pen name
Summary: Momiji takes out a candy plant and all the Sohma's end up high! Yuki is the next Japanese idol and Hiro wants fried chicken!


**Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket, Natsuki Takaya does.**

**Authors Note: This story in meant purely for humor and is NOT MEANT TO SUPPORT DRUG ABUSE! I hope you get the giggles and please message me! Thank You! =)**

**Warning: This story contains spoiles, light sexual themes and swearing.  
**

It was, well, it was a _normal _evening at Shigure's residence... well except for a few things. For one all the cursed zodiac, and Thoru, were their eating dinner and Akito has refrained from stabbing everyone in sight! Everyone had just finished dinner when..

"OMG time for dessert! ~" Momiji sang while grabbing his bag. " I bought this candy plant from some guy on a street corner on his bike and he told me he was running from the cops and not to tell anyone who I got it from and his bike was really old and rusty and I love this candy plant! I just want to sniff it more and more and more...!" By now everyone had turned their attention to Shigure, who had stated the he would 'enjoy' Hiro's mom. Meanwhile Momiji was lighting his 'candy' plant. (The candy plant is Marijuana, in case you haven't figured this out.)

**One Hour Later...**

" There's a bike in my nose! HELP!" Kisa screamed whilst running around in panic.

" I'm so sorry, there's a bike up your nose! It is my entire fault! **I'M SO SORRY**! God kill me!" Ritsu yelled, drawing a knife and stabbing himself.

" Like, OMG" Kazuma said, sounding like a little gay boy. "We, like, _totally_ have to preserve, ah, that guys body. Like Oh My God! What a fat ass, like, help me pick up this, uh, like, this Ritsu kid's dead, blood gushing, non-breathing, body and take it to the, uh, laundry room!" Once there Ritsu's poor, body was thrown through the air and put in the washing machine. Adding Shigure's newest draft (which was due tomorrow) Ritsu's body was put into a rinse cycle.

**At the Kitchen Table...**

" Oh dear Justine, shall I take you to the spa? Yes, darling I will and you to, my love, Brianna! Don't worry Stephen; I'll never forget you! ~" Justine, Brianna, and Stephen were dropped in a boiling pot, drained, cut, buttered and salted. " Your beauty is stunning! Be mine, I haven't gotten the ring yet, but my love for you is a universe of power! ~" Hatori sang to ...three baked potatoes?

" OOHHHHHHHH! Potatoes~!" Hatsuharu sang poking Hatori's 'friends' or 'fiancé's'.

"Noooo! My potatoes! You pervert! How _dare_ you touch dear Justine, Brianna and Stephen! ~" Hatori growled, jumping out of the chair and chasing after Hatsuharu the 'pervert'.

**At The Stove...**

"Tohru... We're over. And... I'm **not** sorry at all! I dumping you on this fucken corner for Shigure's sexy, naughty, energy star kitchen stove! So die, bitch, die!" Kyo screamed.

" Oh yeah, well fuck you! Act like I don't know? I saw you with the blender last night! All up on the fricken blender, thinkin' _Tohru won't find out if I start stripin' on blenders_? Huh? Well, guess what! I have always thought the **fridge** had sexier abbs anyway! So fuck you, I don't need you, and stop staring at my fricken ass!" Tohru bitched.

"FINE!" Kyo yelled and started frenching the stove...

**On The Roof...**

Here stands Yuki, whom thinks he is on Japanese Idol, is singing! (Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy me by Tata Young)

_I pick all my skirts to be a little too sexy,_

_Just like all my thought they always get a bit naughty!_

_When I'm out with my girls,_

_I always play a bit bitchy._

_Can't change the way I am, _

_Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy me!_

_I'm the kind of girl that girls don't like,_

_I'm the kind that boys fantasize,_

_I'm the kind that your momma and you_r daddy,

_Were afraid you'd turn out to be like!_

_I may seem unapproachable, _

_But that's only to the boys who don't have the right approach or ride,_

_that makes a girl like me wanna' hop in and roll!_

_People think it's intimidating,_

_Ooh when a girl like me is cool with her sexuality, _

_I'm a 180 to the stereotype girls like staying at home and being innocent._

_I pick all my skirts too be a little too sexy,_

_Just like all my thoughts they always get a bit naughty. _

_When I'm out with my girls I always play a bit bitchy. _

_Can't change the way I am, _

_Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy me! _

_My mouth never takes a holiday, _

_I always shock with the things I say, _

_I was always the kid who turned up to class 'bout an hour late, _

_And when it comes to the guys I'd lay, _

_I'd always pick the ones who won't figure out that I was clearly rebel to the idea of monogamy,_

_People think it's intimidating,_

_Ooh when a girl is cool with her sexuality,_

_I'm a 180 to the girls like staying at home being innocent._

_I pick all my skirts too be a little too sexy, _

_just like my thoughts they always get a little naughty,_

_Can't change the way I am Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy me! _

_Sexy, Sexy, Sexy,_

_Naughty, Naughty, Naughty, _

_Bitchy, Bitchy, Bitchy, Me! _

_Sexy, Sexy, Sexy, _

_Naughty, Naughty, Naughty, _

_Bitchy, Bitchy, Bitchy, Me! _

_People think it's intimidating,_

_Ooh when a girl is cool with her sexuality, _

_I'm a 180 to the stereotype girls like staying at home and being innocent. _

_I pick all my skirts too always be a bit to sexy, _

_Just like all my thoughts always get a bit too naughty, _

_When I'm out with all my girls i cant help but be a bit bitchy, _

_Can't change the way I am,_

_Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy, Me!_

_I like all my shorts a little too shorty,_

_Unlike all my guys, I like them tall with money. _

_I like all my nights to end a bit nasty,_

_Can't change the way I am, _

_Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy, Me! _

_I pick my skirts to be sexy,_

_Just like my thoughts to be naughty, _

_Just like with my girls… Bitchy, _

_Can't change how I am,_

_SEXY, NAUGHTY, BITCHY, ME!"_

"Avada Kedevra!" Momiji yelled, jumping onto the roof in Hana's stloen cape and holding a tree branch? "I am The Dark Lord Voldomiji! I demand that thee dies!"

" YAY, I won! I am The Japanese Idol! Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy Me!" Yuki screamed in pure joy! "WOOHOO! ~"

**In The Bathroom...**

"OMG, Toilet water works wonders! ~" Ayame Sohma sang in happiness. He was currently dipping his hair in the toilet and scrubbing the bowl. In his mind, he was conditioning, but then he got another idea. " If it makes my hair look awesome it has to make my teeth and face look awesome, so Ayame stuck his head in the toilet and tried to dink the toilet water...but got stuck, therefore drowning.

Upon walking in Rin finds a dead Ayame. "Oohhh~ A birthday present for my beloved boy toy, Hatsuharu! I shall rap it in the finest quality paper with very expensive tape. Grabbing a spare roll of toilet paper Rin begins to rap Ayame in toilet paper. Rin soon finds his head is permanently stuck. To 'solve' this _problem _rips the toilet out of the ground breaking the pipe. Rin's manly toilet pipe breaking strength causes water, from the broken pipe, to soak the toilet paper and ruin the birthday present for her sexy, boy toy.

"Fuck! Shit! Bitchy Water thinks it owns the world! Well fuck it! Watch me live without the mother fucken necessity of water! I won't die, here me bitch! I rule the world! Fucken shit messed up my boy toys present! Fuck it!

**In The Dining Room...**

On one side of the table stood Hiro and on the other stood Kureno.

" I said I wanted fried CHICKEN!" Hiro shouted at Kureno

" No Hiro, your better then that! We could be friends, like long lost lovers!" Kureno attempted to reason in tears.

" No never will this happen. When a man is hungry, he eats fried chicken!" Hiro replied in venom.

" But, I don't taste good. Besides you just a little boy." Kureno cried in horror.

" I am way more an important man then you, bitch!" Hiro hollered, pulling out a gun. " No your fate, you are mere chicken, a low life animal destined to be fried. Die." He finished lowly before firing the gun and killing Kureno. BAM! Hiro proceeded to skin him and started to create a fire from Kureno's bones.

**In Shigure's Room...**

" Who's my Barbie girl?" Shigure giggled towards an Akito, who was wearing an... pink dress, stiletto's, a purse, make up and a thong?

" I'm your Barbie girl, and your my Ken" Akito tittered.

" Well Barbie, let's go party!" Shigure said lustfully.

" Undress me anywhere" Akito replied.

"Barbie's being naughty" Shigure mused.

Well to say the least the Sohma's and Tohru were high and Kisa had a 'bike up her nose. Ritsu committed suicide and was rinse cycled, Hatori is potato protective, while Hatsuharu was a potato pervert. Kyo ditched Tohru for a stove and kitchen blender and Tohru ditched Kyo for a fridge. On the 'bright side', Yuki is the Japanese Idol and a sexy-naughty-bitch, although Momiji is now The Dark Lord Voldomiji. Ayame believes in toilet body products and drowned himself, Rin is pissed, Hiro killed and ate Kureno like fried chicken, Kureno was murdered, Akito thinks she's a naughty Barbie and Shigure is a naughty Ken.

_Authors Note: Thank you so much for reading, but I must say that this story is in __**no way meant to encourage the use of drug abuse and merely meant for a laugh! **__I hope you enjoyed and please review. Thank you. =)_

_Sincerely,_

_TheNecromancerSorceress_


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